Wouldn’t you know it!!  For the gagilianth (not a word, don’t bother looking it up) time I saw an invention that I was on the verge of thinking up myself, but of course someone else beat me to it.  Let me restate that; I hadn’t even considered this kitchen gadget as an important need however it is certainly something I really should have thought of and made my big debut as an inventor.  Yet again with all the cooking and parenting skills I can proudly claim, you would think that at any given moment I am going to have the breakthrough item that makes life easier, though I never do.  I am a marveler not a marvel.  I haven’t a single big idea until I actually see it in a store at which time I exclaim “why didn’t I think of that!” and I really mean it, why didn’t I?!

I was enjoying a stroll through Williams & Sonoma when I came across the perfect little salad dressing cruet complete with recipes along the side and helpful measurement indicators.  The best part was the eye catching spring green spiral whisk that is attached at the top and secures into the base.  All you do is press the lever on the lid and it gives the ingredients a quick whisk before serving.  No more vigorous shaking or oily residue on the outside because of the easy swivel whisk.  It is as fun to use as it is functional.  Genius!  I had to have it and now this minor contribution to society is mine.

I can’t believe I missed this opportunity again!!!  I am hopeful my big day is on the horizon.

Is it really in good faith if you sign your kids up for a youth mission trip but in the process of preparing you resort to using the F-bomb, several threats and a restriction just for them to get packed?   This was not like their younger years when I would take them to McDonalds really early for breakfast, let them play in the ball pit, slide down the tubes and race around, then as we walked out the door to leave, I make the surprise announcement that they are heading straight to Vacation Bible School. No, this week long mission trip was planned in advance. I even asked if they wanted to go BEFORE I signed them up.  Of course I balanced it with either the week long mission trip helping the migrant families or volunteer at Seattle Childrens Hosptial one day a week for a year in which they “chose” option A. I don’t offer these volunteer opportunities as a punishment.  They are meant to balance them, create gratitude, build community, give back and be an example of our faith.  So I would argue that I am coming at this from a very good place that just goes badly the closer we are to departure.  

I admit, I am the one that lacks the appropriate example when the night before we are husseling around in different directions accomplishing nothing but hightened tension.   I will say, however, in my defense, that they are teenagers and I would think by now they would have enough experience with me to read my facial expression and act accordingly.  If they don’t get it by the piercing eye stare, flared nostrils and gritted teeth,  I would expect they could match my vocal tone with an action that would alleviate not elavate the intensity.  If they only realized that all I am asking is for them to put down all forms of social media and/or any remote control and follow the packing list in a timely manner.  Midnight is never going to be my target deadline to be ready for any event.  

I can happily announce that as of 8:48am this morning, they have been safely dropped off for the week and my mission is accomplished.   

It is a little soon for this, however let’s just get it all out in the open.  It really isn’t that shocking if you are Catholic.  Every family has one, though some are an uncle, a sister, a grandparent, a cousin – ours is my husband….he is an alcoholic and it sucks!  He wasn’t supposed to be, he was supposed to fight for his family, he was supposed to want more for himself and we were supposed to watch out for each other…..that was the promise anyway.  He was sober for 12 years before relapsing, which is a loose term since a relapse is a limited duration and his became a full on mission.  8 of those sober years were fantastic though 4 would be described as a dry drunk.

We were a close family, a team.  People envied our unity and I was so proud of the family we created but as hard as we worked for this picture perfect family, it quickly slipped away.  Almost in a day.  For an alcoholic it takes very little effort to destroy your life.  The addiction is a job in itself.  Constant planning, manuevering and covering your story while organzing your inventory to keep from being detected.  It is a very flawed attempt each day that is promised a devastating outcome.  The dance that goes on is insane for both the addict and those around them.  All I know for certain is that I can’t win someone else’s battle.  It doesn’t matter if I beg, cry, scream, threaten or expose the truth – I shamelessly tried them all.  I won’t continue to watch this disease tear us apart but at least I can say I fought hard in hopes for a happily ever after.  I didn’t just let him go, I gave it everything I had until I realized he would take all of us with him.  I can accept a lot but never mess with my kids! That is the ultimate deal breaker and rightfully so.

He will be in my prayers always.  He loved a bottle of whiskey that would never love him back.  I am no competition for addiction.  If you know this journey, you are in my prayers also.  Hold your head up and find your footing, it does not have to own you but healing doesn’t begin until you set yourself free.

It is pretty clear that my enthusiasm for this blog quickly fizzled being it took me 5 months to attempt another post.  Here is what I have narrowed it down to: A) unclear of the value of this project.  B)  withholding information that would make posting relevant and C) should I really be spending my time on this or is it better spent on keeping laundry up, dishes cleaned, groceries stocked?

Since I went to the effort to build the blog (actually my boys, Corbin and Casey did) I need to get out there and make something of it.  Wasted time or not.  Truth is truth and we all have confessions that we are less than excited to share.   Here is one that in concept is not supposed to be considered a sin but I assure you, to society, it is a complete disgrace.  I am poor.  Really!  Suzie Orman would be disgusted with me.  I didn’t start poor and I know in my soul this is not supposed to be my final outcome.  Digging out of this hot mess is a journey that brings all kinds of heartbreak, lost relationships, humility, fear and you learn the truth about integrity and character – who has it and who doesn’t.    

We didnt live outside our means, we were in the 5th year of building our business, the year that we would start catching up and earning a solid income.  Instead we got caught in the undertow of the economy crash and made as many bad decisions possible while trying to save our business and the employees that we cherished.  We were hoping the fall out of the construction industry would recover before we hit rock bottom…..it did not.  There is no reward for our efforts, in fact it was a thankless attempt that from someone else’s angle probably seemed ignorant.  I will tell you, watching your life fall apart and grasping at every small thread you can is heroic.  Unless you have lived it (and I truly hope you never will) you will not understand the sleepless nights with your heart racing or the pain of knowing that some of your closest friends, even some family walk away and do not care if you have a dime in your pocket or if your kids will eat.  When everything is going great you are surrounded by smiling faces and loads of love – just don’t fail, it will cost you more than the money in your bank account.

So here I am, grateful that the knock at the door this morning was the Mormons trying to save me from the depths of hell and not the mailman with a certified letter or the mortgage company with a foreclosure notice.   I am poor