By 11:00am this morning I had only managed to get up for a cup of half decaf coffee and to eat the frosting off the cake.  I actually got out of bed twice just to visit my friend the frosting.   I like to tell myself on these type of days that I am fine, dandy, wonderful – though my actions would not convince anyone.  During this time frame of contemplating making my way out of bed for a third trip to the kitchen or getting in the shower, I received a text from a friend, “How did it go last night?”  

I responded “A big fat goose egg”……..

After several minutes my phone rings.  It is her but I am not ready to be soothed.  I am feeling pretty good about my misery and a pep talk would interrupt this grand pitty party so I let the phone go to voicemail.  I hear the ding indicating a message however I wait quite a while before listening to her kind encouraging words and then decide I should be appreciative enough towards her thoughtful effots to at the very least, and I mean least, send her a text in reply.  “I have only gotten out of bed to make a cup of coffee and eat frosting.  Doing great”   The next call comes in quickly.  I grunt while she starts in “911, what is your emergeny?  Heroine, frosting, heroine, frosting!!  At least your fix is frosting”  She laughs and is completely understanding of my grief.  

This year has been a constant roller coaster with sharp, thrashing twists and turns.  I needed last night to be a success.  I invited 43 people and NO ONE showed.  Not even an RSVP which means you have to be ready for anything.  I cleaned house, wrote a $78.58 bad check to the grocery store for food hoping it won’t clear for 2 days, I chilled wine, made a fantastic meal, 2 desserts, put my heels and skirt on applied an extra couple coats of mascara and a pop of color on my lips.  30 minutes ticked by beyond the start time when I saw my kids curious faces.  They asked me all the obvious questions “are you sure you sent the invitations”, “did you tell them to RSVP”,  “where do you think everyone is”….  I am humiliated in front of them.  I want to be a success, I need them to feel secure in our very fragile life and I am supposed to be their fearless, strong leader.  I prayed for just 3 – any 3 guests to show up.  I realize it is summer time, families are busy and it is hot out.  Who truly wants to be looking at my fabulous fall clothing collection?!  I hold my head high, plaster on that smile that takes every ounce of energy so they won’t worry and I announce “well the house is clean and we have a great dinner!  The next show will be great!”  Of course I am not confident about that even as the statement rolls out of my mouth but I have to say something, hope is free which is all I have to work with at the moment.

My friend listens to all of this with a sympathetic ear and as I talk it out it washes away my fear, my sadness, my loneliness.  She reads to me a timely and perfect blog post from Anne Lamott, author of “Help, Thanks, Wow.”  In it she is talking about eating frosting which settles me even further into coping.  I love when the rythms of life sync like that.  It feels like God telling me He sees and knows I am fighting the best fight I can.  It assures me that I am not the only one eating frosting to get by.  That is all I needed and before you know it I was committed to a shower, the fresh start of a new day.