If people gravitate to the vulnerability of others then this is going to be a very purposeful entry.

Last week was our anniversary.  The second that has been spent separated….so I don’t really know how to acknowledge it.  Is it truly an anniversary?  We aren’t work towards or away from this marriage.  It is just there being lived out in separate houses.   Last year he was still drinking away his life.  This year he is sober of sorts.  He has been through rehab though I am not sure of his dedication to the after care and quite frankly it is not my business.  I may never know if he ever loved me or just needed me.  Can an addict love another person?  There are variables that would justify a form of love but the characteristics of being an addict seem to counter any real ability to love someone completely.  The cycle of addiction is text book – word for word.  It is like they are describing your “qualifier” (the addict in your life) exactly.  All the Al Anon quotes, encouragement, and acronyms seem right for the people sitting in the circle but it seems as though it doesn’t apply to me – I carry the burden no matter how many times I reject it, I chose this man with my whole heart to be my husband all the days of my life.  Now I am reading a new scripture, “You didn’t Cause it, You can’t Control it, and You can’t Cure it” – I run it through my head regularly but it makes no sense that I never knew the person I married.  Which one is he, the sober loving dad and husband or the addict that when life goes through trials will choose a bottle over his family time and time again?   There is a force bigger than I could imagine that threatened our family and it prevailed – it’s a beast that was allowed in.

I was arrogant and naive.  I believed I was getting the best Dave – his past relationships had been foolish in their frustrations with him.  They just didn’t understand him; they didn’t give him a chance to be amazing.  I was self righteous to think I could love him out of alcoholism.  That all he needed was me…..but here I am 2 decades later, going to the door to see if he sent flowers.  I even got back out of bed for one last look on the porch, but there was nothing.  No card, no apologies, no thank you’s and no flowers – pathetic.  I am the joke and my hope was wasted on a lost love.

Despite the truths of this heartbreaking journey, the day was not spent hunkered down in pity.  Not at all, I celebrated my children.  I attended an Honors Assembly for one of my sons, enjoyed the beautiful sunny fall day, listened to really great music on the radio (the DJ just happened to have mercy on me with an excellent play mix), I had a latte and loved all the little blessings right in front of me in which I have many!

I leave you with this:  Cherish your marriage.  Hug each other a second longer than you need to just because you can. I will always believe that in the journey, love wins.  Maybe not for me but for you. “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love”  1 Corinthians 13:13